Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.