Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*weighs self after shaving
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*