Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Bringing back this classic

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

mood

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky