Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
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finally found a reasonable question
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
live long and prosper!
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.