Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.