Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My background check bounced.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid