Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.