Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing