Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them