Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Always 🥴
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit