Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.