Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Well, this explains it:
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”