Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Need WebMD

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.