Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.