Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.