Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

😂😂

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.