Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Don’t snitch tag.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

*pronounces woah like Noah*

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.