Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*me flirting
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.