Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
they really wanted me dead for this
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
March 16
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”