Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving