Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!