Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Nice try, poison.
