Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread