Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I’m hunting wabbits…

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I just tested negative for patience.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

He loved it so much he walked himself up.