Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
SF is the wild wild west man
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“No way.” -Jose
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*orders delivery*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”