can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
