Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

These 3D printers are insane!

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.