Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

life lately

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Erm…

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Knock Knock

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.