Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?