Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas