Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live