Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You Might Also Like
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me trying to walk in a dream
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself