Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

lmao

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Alexa: *deep breath*

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*