Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!