Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

mariah carrie

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.