Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
