Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub