Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Optional boss fight.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.