@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”

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@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@PoodleSnarf

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@bvb1123

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

@AbbieEvansXO

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now