Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You Might Also Like
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
How your email finds me
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Worth a try
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.