Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say