Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

remember

only for emergencies

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

🤭😂

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.