Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

The glockness monster

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.