Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

Feels like there should be a middle ground

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed