Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
never deleting this app.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now