@hmmmmmnope

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

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@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

@collegefession

“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”

– Arcadia

@pharmasean

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

@gwatts77

Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@thejessbess

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!

Everyone:

[someone fires a glitter cannon]