[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You Might Also Like
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say
ME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m so old that I was the tv remote when I was a kid
“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[front door opens]
Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!
Burglar: It sure is!
[someone fires a glitter cannon]