Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre