Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

okay run it by me one more time

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Comparing yourself to others

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.