One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
never forget