Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.