can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
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I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.