can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder