Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized