Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?