Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.