Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
A new level of troll.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.