Canāt get worse than that š š
You Might Also Like
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize itās waving at the woman behind me*
I love that you can say āpardon my frenchā and then say a swear and everyoneās like āok, I was warnedā but if you said āpardon my Frenchā and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Iām at the āmy 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his armā part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, howās 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The movie āUpā could never have been filmed todayā¦
Itās terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other peopleās tweets
Iām just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. Sheāll have cereal.
Me ā Actually goes for a walk
FitBit ā You OK?
Kid: Mom! Weāre out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for youā¦
Kid: What?
Me: Ok Iāll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Selena Gomezās friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markleās friend set her up with a prince and Iām not saying Iām ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My boyfriend thinks itās cute when I use the clap emoji but Iāve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didnāt
DHL: But there wasnāt anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we canāt!
I donāt know whoās having a worse day, the bird thatās repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and itās like youāre blasting them with nuclear waste.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Fair warning: If youāre one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, Iām gonna teach them cuss words.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Iām the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Thereās nothing to stop you from whispering āIām in!ā like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
When I see the lyrics to a song Iāve been singing wrong the whole time.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol āthrow a rock over thereā trick
Oh yeah, shitās about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pantsā¦..
to make room for this next bite of pie.