Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.