Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.