Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.