Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1837765953507282945/pu/vid/avc1/1270x720/8PFeK1tBNw9hRrz1.mp4?tag=12

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

who wore it better?

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention