Can’t get worse than that 馃槶 馃槶
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I am a:
鈿笍 boy
鈿笍 girl
馃敇 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
鈿笍 lover
鈿笍 friend
馃敇 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don鈥檛 ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Chinese takeaway – 拢17
Delivery charge – 拢1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don鈥檛 listen to his music
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it鈥檚 for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.