Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
LOL
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
