“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
This made me chuckle.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
🤣😂
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.