Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!