Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Fights fire with marshmallows

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?