Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish