Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time