Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.