Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Kids: Stay in school.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”