can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.