Can’t, holding a grudge
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years