Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics