Can’t, holding a grudge
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I told my vodka about you.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.