Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
WHY?!
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
How to draw a duck
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
