Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
So that’s what we looked like?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
As a doctor, I can confirm
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
What about second breakfast?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.