Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
You Might Also Like
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…