Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan