Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.