Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive