can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
no exceptions
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.