can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
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Wise advice
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.